Snorting Stan's Mother

There were always big bumps in the night.

As a Therapeutic Youth Care Worker when I worked overnights, I might be folding laundry when I’d hear a “thump” and the ceiling would shake. I’d tiptoe upstairs with my trusty flashlight, only to find four kids fast asleep. I could’ve sworn somebody must’ve fallen out of bed or threw the fire escape ladder out the window to “run.” Nope. Never.


Always sleeping children.


My first night on the job-- it was about midnight and the rest of the staff had just gotten back from our annual Gala. Two of the gals were sitting on the sofa in the living room. As I walked from the kitchen toward them, one of them jumped. I heard her say, “Oh, I thought it was the ghost”. It was just a reflection from the flashlight. Mind you, she didn’t say “a ghost”, she said “the ghost”. Big difference. “Is there something you guys aren’t telling the new overnighter??“ They just stared at each other.


My first week on the job there were numerous “doorbell rings” in the middle of the night. No one was ever there. Oh, how I hated that. It stood the hairs on the back of my neck straight up. I finally had the house manager disconnect the doorbell…and after eight months, I finally moved to days---someone else could have the thumps. They could also have the static-filled baby monitors that we used to listen to our teenagers trying to sneak a smoke or plot whatever else was on their minds. The only sounds we ever picked up on those things were babies crying. But we didn’t have babies. We were a shelter for children aged 10 -18 years old.


When a youth comes under our care, one of the first things we do is inventory all of their belongings. Some of these kids are just getting out of jail, some are awaiting foster care placement, or maybe a higher level of care somewhere. Many are taken from their homes because of neglect, abuse or both.


One of my very first experiences with inventory went like this: I was still working overnights when this big, hairy kid got dropped off. He was 16 years old, six foot two, long hair, scruffy sideburns, and big, baggy clothes. I got him settled in his room and started writing down everything he owned. I’m sitting on the couch with his file on my lap. I come to this little blue jar tucked inside two baggies. There are rubber bands holding the lid in place. I carefully take it out of the baggies, slide the rubber bands off and lift the little lid. Just as I feared…drugs! I was pretty new at this job and I didn’t know the protocol in this situation. I knew this was serious because my adrenaline was pumping.


Being naive and not knowing what drugs looked like, I decided to sniff it. I was pretty sure I could at least identify pot. There was no odor as I basically snorted the stuff, some of it blew down to my papers. As I licked my finger about to pick some up to taste, a fleeting thought crossed my mind: What if this is a relative? I did not taste it. Scraping up the scattered remains, I put the jar back together as best I could. I wrote on his inventory: “relative?? haha”. I have an odd sense of humor. I was seriously making a joke when I wrote that down.


I went to my boss the next morning and told her what had happened. I told her my fears of finding some crack-cocaine or something of the like. She told me to just go ask the young man.


I took the jar and was visibly shaking as I walked the hallway toward his room. I was not very confident with confrontation in those days. Intimidation is more the word. He opened his door just as I was about to knock. He towered over me. I said, “Stan?” He looked down at me. “Ya?” He mumbled.


“Could you tell me what’s in here?”


“My mom”.


“Oh”, I said in my best, this-is-the-most-normal-thing-I-have-ever-heard-in-the-world-and-I-snorted-your-mother, voice I could muster. “OK”.
 
Ever since the day I had to confront Stan, sadly, there have been a few more occasions where we encounter cremated parents.  On the positive side of things,  I do know now the difference between drugs, and loved ones. 
 

The Suitcase

I am getting ready this week to take my daughter on a couple of college-visit trips out of state.  My grandmother gave me a nice set of luggage for my high school graduation, (ya...that was a few years ago)  so I dug my Samsonite out of the storage room (where the litter box is) and ugh...did the suitcase ever stink!  That made me sad;  I'm pretty sentimental about this suitcase. 

I washed the outside of it with soap and water, put it on the porch in the sun, and let it air out.  That didn't work.  Next, I took some Scentsy room spray and squirted the inside of the suitcase, set it back outside and let it dry again.  Well, by the next day, I think it smelled OK, but it left grease on the lining so now I'm afraid my clothes will get spotted.  (Scentsy room spray is not made for cloth!  I knew this)

There were some Top Ramen noodles in the bottom of the suitcase, not sure why, so I got out the Kirby and sucked them up.  Problem is, the lining got sucked up too.  Not a good scene.  This made me cry. ( I told you I am sentimental about this suitcase) The main reason I am sentimental over it is because it is from Grandmama.  Not to mention,there are MANY old "pieces" of tags hanging from handle. This piece of luggage has seen a lot of places.  On its last few trips, I wasn't sure it was gonna make it through the baggage-man-beating...being thrown into the cargo of a plane, so it has duct tape wrapped around and around it.

My hubby saw me crying and put his arms around me and said the right things.  He knew.  But then he whispered, "Daddy's Girl".  I'm like, "What?"  And he said, "Well, you know, the duct tape and everything."  Guess he has a point.

I decided to call my dad at this point.  He wasn't home, so I talked to my mom.  Of course, she didn't "get it".  (Sorry, no offense mom, really) She said, "Oh, I'm sorry it smells like cat pee".  Well, that wasn't the point at all.  So next she says, "Get a laundry basket, that's how I travel."  Oh, the ever practical mother.  No thanks...I am NOT using a laundry basket to travel. 

Next I called my Aunt Kathy.  I KNEW she would "get it."  She did.  I cried, and she said all the right things.  "Grandma would be proud of you...IS proud of you...have a whole bunch of fun on your trip; Grandma would just laugh about this.  Put some fabric softener sheets in your suitcase (already did that...two great minds) Go to the mall and pick out a new red suitcase, red was Grandma's favorite color, and it'll be just like it was from her...now be sure to pack cute outfits and everything will be OK."  It was a quick phone call, to the point, and I was all better. 

I lined the inside with garbage bags (hubby's idea cuz he said the bounce would absorb the grease and still get on my clothing) and packed.  I decided my suitcase is not "broken" anymore.  After all, it still pretty much shuts.  And I kinda dig the duct tape, the cracks, the broken-handle-so-I-can't-wheel-it-anymore, all of the strings hanging off of it, and the smell. Off to Colorado!

Timers don't help

This morning my work partner and I were supposed to attend a training on ADHD for work.  We went.  Well, we went to the beginning.  It was SO boring!  The only thing we "learned" was that one way to diagnose ADHD is that you absolutely "CAN'T" pay attention if you have it; not that you "WON'T" pay attention.  

I absolutely could NOT pay attention, so we bugged out and had a nice lunch.

I came home, took a hike with hubby, took a nap (cuz the fresh mountain air wore me out), and then I decided I had better pick-up the living room.

I set my timer for 15 minutes to clean, and pushed "start".  By the time I reached the living room, I found myself lying on the couch with a piece of fudge in my hand watching Hannah Montana.  

Soon, it dawned on me that my timer was going.  I didn't recall how the fudge got in my sticky little paws or how I could forget I had set the timer-- all within a 10-20 second window.  

I reset the timer, started picking up, and the first thing I found was my strainer I had been looking for a half hour earlier as I was making spaghetti.  It was sitting on the bookshelf.   I knew I had it in my hand when I was cooking...but then it disappeared. 

It was at this point I decided we probably should have stuck with the whole ADHD class. 

Party in the freezer

Having a second refrigerator is not a good idea.   About 2 or 3 months ago, my youngest daughter came in from the garage to tell me the fridge is “not on.”  Well…I figured this was a man-problem.  I ignored it.

A few days ago I actually trekked downstairs to the kid living room.  I try not to do this often; this is their territory and I prefer not to see what it looks like.  I was sorry I did.  There were a bunch of old cups partially filled with who-knows-what.  Lemonade or juice…I don’t know.  What I DID know was that there were fruit flies buzzing around all of them, and yet even more   that were drowned in them.  I HATE fruit flies.  It was gross, but I grabbed the cups and brought them to the kitchen. 

Let’s move on to day two:  I wake up and start in the kitchen.  Gotta begin with a few cups of coffee, right?  Well…I noticed I was swatting my arm at bugs like I was in the jungle or something.  I thought “ wonderful…  fruit flies in the kitchen.”  No biggie; throw away the old banana, right?  Wrong.  There was no banana.  And there was no old peach or no rotten potato.  And there were MORE than a FEW fruit flies.  I was actually dodging them.  This is not a good scene.  My parents were here and I was yelling for anyone who would listen that I needed 10 bucks to go get some Raid.   My mother and my husband were completely against using Raid.  My husband is a chemist and he will not use any of that stuff in the house, and no round-up in the yard. (we can grow GREAT weeds)  Mom said to “vacuum them up, it’s ‘fun.’” 

Well since I couldn’t make my coffee, I went to step two…time to pee.  I went into my daughter’s bathroom and there were fruit flies IN THERE TOO!!!   This is clearly no joke anymore…we were being invaded.  This time I threw a tantrum about getting some Raid.  “Listen, I’ve lived in Florida and we LIVED on Raid, OK?  We’re not gonna die, I’m not going to spray it ON your cereal, or IN your milk but we HAVE to do something.”

Mom:  “Get your vacuum out, that’s what I did at the cabin.”

Fine.  I sucked a few up, and then luckily it was time to go to work. 

The next day, however, I was practically in tears.  They were everywhere. My college daughter came home from school to do laundry and couldn’t even go into our laundry room there were so many you-know-whats.   I VACUUMED FOR 5 OR 6 HOURS.  First in the kitchen.  Then the bathroom.  Then the other bathroom.  Then I had to haul the thing into the laundry room.  Next it was time to start over in the kitchen again, then the bathroom, then the other bathroom.  You get the idea.  No joke.  5 hours.  I had goosebumps the whole time.  It absolutely gave me chills.  (I must say, I did, however, for a little while feel like a Jedi with my big long hose) I had googled fruit flies to see how to get rid of them… bad idea.  It showed them close-up.  They have red eyes!  BIG red eyes.  The internet said to vacuum.  And to find the source.  So I sucked, and I cried, and I sucked, and I called Dave and yelled at him, then I sucked some more, then I called my mom and yelled at her.  She said, “Look for a potato.  There MUST be a potato, you HAVE to find the source.”

So I looked for a potato.  No potato.  I had cleaned and scrubbed every surface I could get my hands on.  Every appliance was sparkling and sterilized.  I had used bleach the first time around, hot soapy water next, and the third time everything got scrubbed I used Lysol.  I just couldn’t keep up and they were not going away.  I called Dave and yelled at him again.  “I have chills!  You don’t understand… I actually have goosebumps having to do this, it’s SO GROSS!!!  If I had a credit card I would get a Hotel.  I WANT SOME RAID.”  (I would have gone to get some even though he said no, but my gas light was blinking)

Well, after the sixth hour of sucking up flying bugs…I noticed that the laundry room had smaller bugs then the rest of the rooms.  Hmmm….  babies!  (Fruit flies can lay 500 eggs at a time, and their whole life cycle is only 10 days)  OK,  I was pretty sure I was on to something.  I called Dave.  

“Dave,  I think I know the source.”  The laundry room has a door that goes into the garage.  The garage is where we keep our second refrigerator.  (The second refrigerator that is “not on”.)  Next I called my mom.  She told me she had put some vegetables in that fridge after my oldest daughter’s college graduation party…three months ago.  Mom wanted me to go out and look.  Heck, no!  I called Dave back.  He needed to come home immediately and look in the garage.  He did.  Yep.  Found the source alright.  He wheeled the refrigerator to the end of the driveway, we went and bought 3 bottles of Raid.  I only looked once.  I saw frozen orange juice in what once was the freezer, and now is party-central for fruit flies.  These flies were now EVERYWHERE outside.  They were even on the outside of our house windows.  I let him spray the Raid.

Today I am only battling around 5 fruit flies at a time.  It helped almost immediately to find the source.  Now we just have to figure out how to get rid of the fridge by the mailbox.